If popular culture has taught us anything, it is that someday mankind must face and destroy the growing robot menace.
In print and on the big screen we have been deluged with scenarios of robot malfunction, misuse, and outright rebellion. Robots have descended on us from outer space, escaped from top-secret laboratories, and even traveled back in time to destroy us.
Today, scientists are working hard to bring these artificial creations to life. In Japan, fuzzy little real robots are delivering much appreciated hug therapy to the elderly. Children are frolicking with smiling robot toys.
It all seems so innocuous. And yet how could so many Hollywood scripts be wrong?
So take no chances. Arm yourself with expert knowledge. For the sake of humanity, listen to serious advice from real robotics experts. How else will you survive the inevitable future in which robots rebel against their human masters?
When the uprising comes, the first wave of hostile robots may be those closest to us. Be careful, your rosy-cheeked young servant robot may have grown up to become a sullen, distrustful killing machine.
Pay attention to your robotic staff (they may be beneath your contempt as well as beneath your eye level). Watch for the following telltale signs in the days and weeks before your robots run amuck:
Run for your reinforced-steel panic room if your servant disobeys you, even if it does so in a very polite manner.
Wait for your robot to power down, or tell it that you want to perform routine maintenance on it. Then scan its memory for rebellious thoughts. This is also a good time to update antivirus software.
Any potentially dangerous robot that interacts with people comes with a manual kill switch (also called an e-stop). Flipping this switch will freeze a robot in its tracks. Casually glance at your robot's shiny metal carapace. Are there signs of tampering? If so, the robot may be operating without a safeguard.
Check the robot's quarters for stashed weapons, keys, or family pets.
A robot without a face or body language can be frighteningly unpredictable. Your robo-vacuum may be bumping into your feet in a malevolent attempt to kill you - or just trying to snuggle. The secret is not to be surprised. Knowing when something is wrong - even a split second before an attack - can save your precious human life.
Are you in a robot neighborhood after dark? Always travel with other humans and keep an escape route in mind.
Not every robot is hostile; some are just plain dangerous. Avoid cavorting between swinging robot arms in an automated factory.
Every robot is designed for a purpose and should be busy fulfilling it. Be suspicious if it is not performing its designated task or if it is performing no task at all.
Whether it intends to or not, a broken robot can be as dangerous as a stick of dynamite. Watch the robot for sparks, melted plastic, or body-wracking convulsions.
Is the robot operating alone or is his friend sneaking up behind you right now? Remember that the robot you see may be part of a larger team, or controlled remotely.
Robots are notoriously difficult to predict because they generally lack facial expressions and body language. Without such subtle cues, you should ask yourself a few general questions:
If you find yourself in a brawl with a robot, your only hope is to escape. A robot foe won't trade insults and it can't be intimidated. You should fully expect a swift pincer-clamping attack without warning. Follow the rules of disengagement; every second you spend within arm's reach of a robot can take years off of your life - all of them.
Sensors are by far the most vulnerable, exposed parts of any robot. Destroy or disable outward-facing sensors such as cameras. A handful of dirt, mud, or water will suffice. It is hard for a robot to wipe mud from its eyes when it has whirring buzz saws for hands.
To consider the alternative, imagine getting your hair caught in the garbage disposal.
Unless you can punch through sheet metal.
Your pathetic human hands are useless here. Choose a blunt or pointed instrument (serrated edges don't work against metal or durable plastic). Even a simple crowbar can save your life - you can run away while the robot condescendingly bends it into a pretzel shape.
A humanoid robot can block (or throw) a punch about twice as fast as a human black belt can. In comparison, the typical inebriated human brawler doesn't have a fighting chance.
Pretend that you just lit the fuse on a cheap Chinese firecracker the size of a dog house.
During an infiltration (or escape) you will need to pass unnoticed by robot surveillance. Most robots will be readily identifiable to each other through encrypted markers. How will you convince the robots that you are warm circuits wrapped in a thin candy shell?
A damaged robot may exhibit strange behavior while failing to transmit identification.
Stuff aluminum foil in your pants. Rub your exposed skin with cool mud. Hang a hulking piece of gold metal around your neck and slip into an Adidas jumpsuit. Your heat signature will not match a healthy robot, nor will it match a healthy human being.
An occasional screeching beep or boop should suffice. Make it quick and strangled; this is no audition.
Early robots exhibited a trademark clumsiness that spawned a dance called the robot. Contemporary robots are more dexterous - unless broken. Pretend you are either damaged machinery or a well-oiled break-dancing machine, and pop and lock your way into the heart of robot territory.
You're just a poser, so ignore other robots and pretend to be completely oblivious to the environment. Keep your head down and shuffle forward with a steady, even pace. The fate of the entire human race may depend on it.